- My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn’t concentrate.
- Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
- After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn’t suited for it — mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
- Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
- Then, I tried being a Chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn’t have the thyme.
- Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it…. couldn’t cut the mustard.
- My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn’t noteworthy.
- I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn’t have any patience.
- Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn’t fit in.
- I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income.
- Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
- So then I got a job in a Gymnasium, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.
- After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian – until I realized there was no future in it.
- My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
- SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND I FOUND I’M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
OMG, I’m rich!
Silver in the Hair – Gold in the Teeth – Crystals in the Kidneys -Sugar in the Blood – Lead in the Ass – Iron in the Arteries…. and…… An inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.
I never thought I’d accumulate such wealth!
A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man’s car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn’t break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she handed the bottle to the man.
The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
She replies, “Nah. I think I’ll just wait for the police.”
One night after a date, a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little frisky. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:
“Honey, would you have sex with me?”
Horrified, she replies “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”
“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught”
“Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”
“No way. It’s just too risky!”
“Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?”
“No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!”
“Oh yes you can. Please?”
“No, no. I just can’t”
“I’m begging you…”
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:
“Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God’s sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom.”
A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson and music books.
Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and through the front door, “Oh darling” he gushed, “Come here… let me look at you… let me hold you! Let’s have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I’ve missed your loving so much!”
The wife, keeping her distance, said, “All in good time lover. First, let’s hear you play that harmonica!”
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”
The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion.
The Italian said: Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes.”
The Frenchman said: “Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight.”
The Aussie said: That’s nothing! Last night I massaged my wife ,y’know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter and then made love. I made her scream for two long hours.”
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, “Two full hours? …wow! that’s phenomenal. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?”
The Aussie replied , “I wiped my hands on the curtains.”
Now that the metric system is in wide use all over the world, we can see why American have not adopted it:
A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
Put your best .3 of a meter forward.
Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he’ll take 1.6 kilometers.
Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.
“Lexophile” is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, and, at times, play with them… coming up with such “funnies” (lexophilia) as:
“you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or
“to write with a broken pencil is pointless.”
A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year.
Here are some of the best.
.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
.. A will is a dead giveaway.
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
.. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
.. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
And the cream of the twisted crop:
.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN … IT’S CHEAP MEDICINE.
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY (from a husband’s point of view)
The missus bought the Paperback,
down Ringwood way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”.
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Rosie hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty eight next week!
Watching Rosie bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator!!
Now if you knew our Rosie,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d uttered.
She stood there starkly naked
Bent forward just a bit;
I went to hold her, – sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Rosie screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one”!!
Well folks, I can’t tell you no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
A man phoned his blonde neighbor and said: “Close your curtains the next time you & your husband are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”
To which the blonde replied: “Well ….the joke’s on all of you because I wasn’t even at home yesterday
Couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation.
So they produce photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided.
“We’ve employed an Oxford don who’ll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills”.
There are then doubts expressed about the child’s healthy upbringing.
“Our full time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet”, they reply.
So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for.
“It doesn’t really matter”, they say, “so long as he fits in the cannon”.
PAM AYRES… Sat Nav
I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car A Satnav is a driver’s friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav, I’ve had it all my life It’s better than the normal ones, my Satnav is called a wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive “It’s sixty miles an hour”, it says, “You’re doing sixty five”.
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake And tells me that it’s never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I’m sure no other driver, has so helpful a device For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey’s pretty fraught So why don’t I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I’m properly fed It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff, I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.
One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.
With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That’s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. “Honey,” she asked, “have you seen my other shoe?”
A Kiwi is sitting with an Australian and an Indian in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden Saudi police enter and arrest them. They are initially sentenced to four years in prison but, because it is a national holiday, the sheikh decides they should be released after receiving twenty lashes of the whip.
As they are preparing for the their punishment, the sheikh suddenly says, “Its my wife’s birthday today and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.
So the Indian guy thinks for a while and then says, “Please be tying a pillow to my back”. This is done but the pillow only lasts 10 lashes before the whip goes through.
The Australian, watching the scene, says, “Please fix two pillows on my back’. This is done, but even two pillows can only take 15 lashes before the whip goes through the pillows again.
Before the Kiwi can say anything, the sheikh turns to him and says, “As you are from a popular country, your Rugby team is terrific, and your women are beautiful, you can have two wishes!”
“Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness”, the Kiwi replies. “My first wish is I would like to have forty lashes”
“If you so desire,” the sheik replies with a questioning look on his face. “And your second wish?”
The Kiwi answers; “Tie the Aussie to my back”
Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband.
When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. “Wow, look at that!” he said with appreciation. “It’s my old Plymouth!”
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”
The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it’s time to go home.”
Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree.”
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.”
The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.”
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock.”
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy s-xual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, “Man riding a bike.”
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, ”My bike.”
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup.
“I think something is wrong with your back,” the doctor says.
What makes you say that?” Quasimodo asks.
“I don’t know,” the doctor replies. “It’s just a hunch.”
The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise.
“You need to make sure the dog runs around,” the doctor said. “Try playing a game of fetch.”
“I can’t play fetch with my dog,” the blonde said.
“Why not?” the doctor asked.
“Because,” she replied, “He can’t throw.”
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. “Listen,” said the shoplifter, “I know you don’t want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?”
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, “This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?”
I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in ….
I asked the trainer standing next to me, “What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?”
The trainer looked me over and said; “I would recommend the ATM in the lobby.”
While walking down the street one day a “Member of Parliament” is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
‘Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter.. ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’
‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the man.
‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.’
‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the MP.
‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises….
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
‘Now it’s time to visit heaven.’
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.’
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: ‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.’
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the MP. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ‘Yesterday we were campaigning… … “
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the ‘Antiques Roadshow’.
“Ooh!” said the presenter, “This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century.
Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”
“…Sticks?” Paddy replied.
My wife hosted a dinner party for family far and wide and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well.
All during dinner my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me.
I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me.
I finally asked her “Why are you staring at me?”
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response.
My little niece said
“I’m just waiting to see how you drink like a fish.”
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The old man just groaned but didn’t budge.
The usher became more impatient.
“Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Once again, the old man just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the disheveled man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy what’s your name?”
“Fred,” the old man moaned.
“Where ya from, Fred?” asked the police officer.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle,
Fred replied, “The balcony.”
Q: What did the fisherman say to the magician?
A: Take a cod, any cod.
Q: Why don’t you ever see chickens in the zoo?
A: Because they can’t afford the admission.
Q: What did one vampire say to the other as they were passing the morgue?
A: Let’s stop in for a cool one.
Q: Which day is stronger, Sunday or Monday?
A: Sunday. Monday is a weekday.
Q: What does an envelope say when you lick it?
A: Nothing. It just shuts up.
While in the checkout line at my local hardware store I overheard one man say to another, “My wife has been after me to paint our shed. But I let it go for so long she got mad and did it herself.”
His friend nodded. “I like women who get mad like that.”
Q What did the Pope give up for Lent ?
A His job.
Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate’s been hit by a car.
Paddy: ‘Get an ambulance here quick, he’s bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.’
Operator: ‘What is your location sir?’
Paddy: ‘Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street …..’
Operator: ‘How do you spell that sir?’
Silence…. (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
Operator: ‘Are you there sir?’
More heavy breathing and another minute later.
Operator: ‘Sir, can you hear me?’
This goes on for another few minutes until….
Operator: ‘Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?’
Paddy: ‘Yes, sorry bout dat… I couldn’t spell eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street …’
Beau Bridges took a meteorology course in which the instructor was describing how hail is formed — much higher than the usual rain clouds.
When he asked where specifically it happened, he was told, “Somewhere over the rain, Beau.”
I was giving my class a handwriting lesson on the letter ‘ s.’
“Does anyone here have a name that begins with an ‘S’ that we can all write in our books?” I asked.
There were three surnames offered, which we wrote, then one little girl raised her hand and declared that her middle name began with an ‘S’.
“What is your middle name?” I asked.
“Spectacular!” she announced with a huge grin.”My mummy and daddy call me Bree Spectacular Browne!”
Paddy walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Paddy said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Paddy what he Had…
Paddy said, ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Paddy to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Paddy what he had. Paddy Said, ‘Shingles..’ So the nurse gave Paddy a blood test, a blood Pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Paddy to take off all his Clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the Doctor O’Hara came in and found Paddy sitting patiently in the nude and asked Paddy what he had.
Paddy said, ‘Shingles.’
The doctor asked, ‘Where?’
Paddy said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ’em??’
Our friends, James and Florence, attend choir practice Wednesday evenings, and often head for a restaurant afterwards with their fellow choir members.
Florence soon noticed that every time she had a glass of wine, it was followed by a severe migraine headache. James agreed with her that it might be better if she abstained, and so she did.
On one post choir occasion, however, Florence decided, after some hesitation, to try a different variety of wine. Some time passed with no consequences.
Then she waved happily across the big table where her colleagues all sat and while holding up the empty wine glass announced in a loud voice, “James! I don’t have a headache tonight!”
A lady was speaking to her doctor about her husband.
‘I’m very worried as he thinks he is a refrigerator’.
The Doc replies, ‘It’s probably just a passing phase and he will soon get over it’.
‘It’s not that said the wife, when he is in bed and opens his mouth the little light in there keeps me awake’.
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.’
The priest said, ‘Confess your sins and be forgiven.’
The young woman said, ‘Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.’
The priest thought long and hard and then said, ‘Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.’
The young woman asked, ‘Will this cleanse me of my sins?’
The priest said, ‘No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.’
Q: What did one dog say to the other?
A: “Sit down quick, here comes old cold nose.”
Q: How do you know that your tiger is telling the truth?
A: He’s not a lion.
Q: What kind of dinosaur is never late?
A: A pronto-saurus.
Q: What washes up on small beaches?
Q: Why did the orchestra have bad manners?
A: Because it didn’t know how to conduct itself.
Q: When do cannibals leave the table?
A: When everyone’s eaten.
Q: What’s a King’s favorite clothing?
A: A reign coat.
Q: Where do mermaids see movies?
A: At the dive-in?
Q: What falls but never hurts itself?
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says “George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?” George replies, “God and I are tighter than hair on a dog’s back. He knows I have poor eyesight. He’s fixed it so’s when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, ‘poof.’ The light goes on. When I’m done, ‘poof.’ The light goes off”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George’s wife. “Ethel,” he says, “George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and ‘poof,’ the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, ‘poof,’ the light goes off?” “Oh dear,” exclaims Ethel. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, ‘My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,’ he announced triumphantly, ‘and she turned into a telephone pole!’
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, ‘If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?’
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, ‘I think I’d throw up.’
A Sunday school teacher asked, ‘Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?’
‘No,’ replied Johnny. ‘How could he, with just two worms.’
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, ‘We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?’
One child blurted out, ‘Aces!’
There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. And then there’s me. One day I couldn’t stand it any longer. “Why don’t you ever bring me flowers?” I asked.
“What’s the point?” my husband said. “They die after about a week.”
“So could you,” I shot back, “but I still like having you around.”
A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. “I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!”
“That’s okay, dearie,” the aunt replied. “After I’ve sucked the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway.”
“Have you ever seen a twenty dollar note all crumpled up?” asked the wife.
“No,” I said.
She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar note.
“Have you ever seen a fifty dollar note all crumpled up?” she asked.
“No,” I said.
She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar note.
“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen 50,000 dollars all crumpled up?”
“No,” I said, intrigued.
“Well, go and take a quick look in the garage.”
Jack was living in Croydon during the February heat wave when the following took place.
“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. “Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”
“Probably that I married you for your money.”
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me… I know we’ve been friends for a long time but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to Know?”
The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.
“Is this your wife sir?” said the officer.
“Yes it is”, I replied.
“I’m afraid it looks like she’s been in a car accident” said the Officer.
“I know” I said, “but she has a lovely personality!”
Q: Why did the doughnut go to the dentist?
A: It needed a chocolate filling.
Q: How can you tell if a calendar is popular?
A: It has a lot of dates!
Q: Why did the robber take a bath?
A: So he could make a clean getaway!
Q: What did the hot dog say when it crossed the finish line?
A: I’m the wiener!
Q: What did one earthquake say to the other?
A: It’s not my fault.
Now that the Pope has resigned, he shall now and always be known as “ex Benedict”……
“In Great Britain the bones of King Richard III, who was killed in 1485, have been discovered under a parking lot. And you know how he died? Fighting over a parking space.”
A wife asks her husband,
“Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, And if they have avocados, get 6.”
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”
He replied, “They had avocados.”
Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?
Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?
“Monopoly is getting a big makeover. They want to make the Monopoly game more modern and bring it up to date to reflect our current culture. Like, in the new version of Monopoly, the banker never goes to jail.”
An old woman was asked,
“At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get, Parkinsons or Alzheimers?”
The wise lady answered,
“Definitely Parkinsons ~better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle.”
Classified Ad from local newspaper:
06′ Suzuki GSXR 1000, $9,000
This bike is perfect! It has only 1,000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service.
It’s been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I’m selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently “Do whatever you want.” doesn’t mean what I thought. Call Steve.
Of all the utensils that were invented to eat rice with…how the stuff did two sticks win?
Following the discovery of the bones of Richard III scientists are now digging up Tesco’s car park looking for his horse.
Some guy knocked on my door today and said, “I have a parcel for your next door neighbour.”
I said, “You’ve got the wrong house then mate.”
I see Rupert Murdoch is considering axing Page 3 of The Sun. He should axe pages 1-2 and 4-76 while he’s at it.
A medic finds a brand new BMW rolled on its side and badly damaged. A man screams from underneath, “My car, what have I done to my beautiful car!” The medic comes over and says, “Forget about your car, what about your missing arm?” The man looks down and for the first time notices that his arm is missing… “My Rolex, my Rolex is missing!”
An anthropologist shows off his priceless trove of treasure to his saintly grandmother. “What’s that?” she asks, pointing to an oddly shaped item.
“Uh…” stammers the anthropologist, “it’s a phallic symbol.”
“Oh,” says his grandmother, nodding her head. “That’s good, ’cause I hate to tell you what it looks like.”
It had to happen – Tesco finds horse meat in hamburger meat …. and the jokes roll in:
Nothing like a bit of horsing around
A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.
Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.
Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the pony that she’s always wanted!
Had some burgers from tesco for my tea last night…. I still have a bit between my teeth
Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn
Anyone want a burger from Tesco? …….. yay or neigh?
“I’ve just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer…AND THEY’RE OFF”
I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse…..”
Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.
Said to the wife – “these Tesco burgers given me terrible trots.”
A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.
The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won’t see him. The barman looks down at him and says, “What’s the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You’ve got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?
The motorway replies, “You don’t know him like I do. He’s a cyclepath.”
Q: What stories do the ship captain’s children like to hear?
A: Ferry tales!
Q: How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?
A: By flood lighting!
Q: How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A: It has a stamp on it.
Fred walked into a Bar and saw an old friend Norm sitting all by himself looking miserable so went went over to him and sat down. “Hey Norm why are you looking so upset and sad “he said?.
Norm said “Well my Mum died and left me $50,000.” That was a lovely gesture” said Fred.
Then a month later my Dad died and left me $20,000. “Gosh that was a windfall “ said Fred.
Norm said “ You wouldn’t read about it Fred, an old Aunt I hadn’t see since I was a kid up and died a month later and left me $70,000, a month after that and old girlfriend died and left me $25,000.
“ I can hardly believe it Norm, by why the hell are you so sad and miserable?”
Norm said “Well this month Nothing…”
It’s race day with a meeting in progress. The bookies are busy taking bets when a bloke comes up to one and says, “M-m-m-mate, I b-b-b-backed a f-f-f-five t-t-t- …” at which point the bookie cuts him off. “Look, cobber, I’m flat out like a lizard drinking at the moment – come back when I’m not so busy, will ya?”
Five minutes later, the bloke returns. “Hey, I t-t-tried t-t-tell ya I b-b-backed a f-f-five t-t-t …” and again the bookie interrupts him. “Look, I haven’t got time for this. Here’s a fiver. Now bugger off, will ya?”
The bloke takes the fiver, somewhat surprised, and walks off. He goes out and joins his offsider in their cattle truck. “How’d ya go?” asks the offsider.
“C-c-can’t g-g-get over it,” he replies. “I went to t-t-tell the b-b-bookie I b-b-backed a f-f-five t-t-ton t-t-truck into his J-j-jaguar and he g-g-gimme a f-f-fiver … !”
Three Irish Priests were having their usual Saturday night meetings and enjoying their usual few pints of guiness, when they hit on the topic of what they want to be remembered for:
The first priest asked the next one what he was hoping the many may say at his funeral about him: His answer:
“Well I hope they say that I have been an inspiring preacher”
“Yea”, and he proceeded to ask the other priest the same question – to which he replied “Well, I hope the crowd say that I did good deeds to the less fortunate and was a great healer” – “and how about you fellow priest – What do want the mourners to say about you?”
“Hey, he’s still moving!!!”
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
“Yes, Dad, what is it?” “Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me …
your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife….”
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are creeping up to a bandit camp on their bellies, when suddenly the Lone Ranger let’s out a muffled yelp and clutches his rear end.
“Tonto!…I’ve been bitten by a rattlesnake…quickly, ride to town and ask the doctor what to do!”
So Tonto scampers back to the horses, jumps up on his beloved Scout and rides like forty demons are behind him, all the way back to town. Quickly dismounting, he runs into the doctor’s office.
“Doctor!…The Lone Ranger…he be bitten by snake….what Tonto do?”
The doctor looks shocked, but quickly summons his wits about him.
“Well, you need to expose the skin, and suck out the poison.”
Running back to his horse, Tonto leaps into the saddle once more, riding like the wind, he quickly returns to the side of his rapdily fading companion. Weakly, the Lone Ranger lifts his head…
“Tonto…thank god….what did the doctor say?”
Tonto crossed his arms, looking down at his life-long friend.
“Kemo sabe….the doctor say…you gonna die.”
Erol, 92 years of age and still kicking. To make sure everything was holding together, he used to go to the doctor once a fortnight for a check-up. The doctor checked Erol as he always did and gave him his prescriptions and advice. As Erol left, the doctor smiled to himself at how well Erol was doing for a 92 year old.
The following weekend, the doctor saw Erol out with two gorgeous women. One on each arm. One blonde, one brunette, both buxome and both wearing not very much.
When next Erol was in for his check up, the doctor said:
“Well, you’re doing really well for yourself aren’t you?” to which Erol replied:
“I’m just doing what you told me. You said get two hot mammas and be cheerful”
“No I didn’t!” The doctor exclaimed, “I told you you had a heart murmer and be careful.”
Our Supply Clerk at the factory where I work, discovered a box that was left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH!
Management was called and all employees were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed.
When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety glasses, and then, very carefully opened the box. Inside were 25 signs that read: DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!
The woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his sisde every single day.
One day, when he came to, he asked her to come nearer.
As she sat by him he whispered, eyes full of tears, ” You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When my health started failing, you were still by my side…You know what?”
” What dear?” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
” I think you’re bad luck.”
The barn at Larry and Susan’s farm burned down, and Susan called the insurance company.
Susan: “We had that barn insured for $100,000 and I want my money.”
Agent: “Wait just a minute, Susan… it doesn’t work quite like that. We will determine the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.”
Susan, after a pause: “I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband.”
Shaun walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Shaun said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Shaun what he had ….
Shaun said, ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Shaun to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Shaun what he had. Shaun said, ‘Shingles.’ So the nurse gave Shaun a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Shaun to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Shaun sitting patiently in the nude and asked Shaun what he had. Shaun said, ‘Shingles.’ The doctor asked, ‘Where?’
Shaun said, ‘Outside on the truck.
Where do you want me to unload them?’